i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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