i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
