On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
