I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My liver just broke up with me...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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