I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
