Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
