tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Small penises have feelings too.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
