I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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