Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
