Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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