I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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