i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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