No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
did you just send me my own nude
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
