The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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