i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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