Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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