Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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