I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
