The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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