Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
