What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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