Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
