My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
