if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh