Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
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Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store