you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.