Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Randomize
