I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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