Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
