the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
