can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
