I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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