So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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