i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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