Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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