we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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