Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
