Im at strip club and am horny
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
