You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
