Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
