I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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