he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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