Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't turn off my feet"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
