You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
