I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
