Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
