My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
