I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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