I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
