The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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