My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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