I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
