How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
