I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
