no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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