Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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