I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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