I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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