His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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