Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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