I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
